You’ve said yes. You’ve chosen your date and secured your venue … now you want to dig into the details – who is standing up there in front with you?
You and your spouse-to-be have started your list of contenders – and you just don’t know how to choose … use my 6 tips below to help drive that final choice.
- Duties
This ranks as numero uno in my book. Traditionally the bridal party has duties – especially the MoH and the Best Man. Take a look at the list of usual duties – and then cross that with who on your list can best fulfill that obligation.
- MoH: The bride’s right-hand woman/man throughout the wedding planning and planner of the bridal shower/bachelorette party. On the wedding day, the MoH serves as first assistant – tending to the bride’s veil, train, and bouquet during the ceremony and signing the marriage certificate after.
- Best Man/Woman: Similar to the MoH, the Best Man/Woman is the planner of the bachelor party and typically manages the get-away plans for the couple’s departure. This role is there to calm nerves on the wedding day, carry the rings to the altar, and sign the marriage certificate.
Usually both the MoH and the Best Man offer up a toast at the wedding reception – be sure your choice can gracefully carry out that expectation – or simply go non-traditional and ask for an accomplished stand-in.
- Bridesmaids/Groomsmen: Serving as the honor guard to the couple, the remaining members of the bridal party are assigned duties as needed – by either the bride, groom, MoH, or Best Man. These can be a broad reaching as assisting with hotel blocks to addressing invitations to providing bottled water pre-wedding to distributing programs and ushering guests. Simply put, they are there to help wherever assigned.
- Cost/Lifestyle
Let’s face it – there is a cost involved in being one of the “chosen ones” for someone’s wedding. If you know that cost will be a major consideration for someone on your short list – reach out and ask if it is something doable for them. They may be able to attend – without the additional burden of time and finances – and will love the fact that they did make the short list, even though they can’t actually fulfill the ask.
And consider lifestyle as well. Your bestie from high school now lives 1,500 miles away and has 3 children under the age of 4 … she just might not be able to swing fulfilling the expectations of MoH or even the cost of attending. And that friend that may be deployed at the time of your nuptials, is probably best left to the invitation list. Or the friend that has just opened their own business may not be able to take the time off at this critical point in the launch.
- Size
How many in your party? Of course, this is dependent upon your preference as a couple and your short list – but there are other considerations as well. How large is the altar area at your venue? Are you using a chuppah or an arch? How many will comfortably fit in that area?
While your party can sit in the front row rather than stand next to you, it may be easier to simply reduce the number rather than provide front row seating traditionally saved for immediate family. More is not always better and having just a few key BFFs can sometimes be the right call.
Size is also dictated a bit by your budget – even if your team buys their own attire. The cost of bouquets and boutonnieres falls to the couple – as well as thank-you gifts for each of your attendants. You may be able to have nicer options of both if the number is limited.
Aesthetically, the same number of attendants on each side looks the best – both for guests and for photos – but there are no hard and fast rules. Just remember, if you have an uneven number, you’ll need to be creative during the processional and possibly with where the attendants stand during the ceremony.
- Family
Just do it. You might not feel the closest to your brother/sister right now, but they are in with you for the long haul. Unless you have too many siblings to fit at the altar, just do it. It will make your mother and mom-in-law happy – not to mention the impact your choice will have on your long-term family dynamics. It’s – quite simply – going to be worth it.
- The Vibe = Drama Free
Let’s face it – there is going to be enough emotion and drama to go around as the preparations move from planning to execution, who wants any additional drama coming from within your crew?
Choose BFFs that are able to evoke a sense of calm. And that get along with each other. No one wants infighting and clique formations within your ranks. Or worse yet, someone that is going to create and lead “Team Negative” and actually criticize your plans. Think: fun and supportive friends only need apply!
And if one of your favorite people is not your gender – break the stereotype and have him/her stand with your team. The hard and fast rule of men for men and women for women is part of the past.
Weddings are also not the time to ask someone just because they asked you. You want to have people that are super-fun and that can roll with the punches – you don’t need that old college roommate that wears her drama-queen crown like a medal everywhere she goes.
- Shatter Traditions
This is your special day, and you call the shots. Move outside the traditional boundaries to create the wedding team that you want … consider the following:
- Don’t designate MoH or Best Man roles – but simply assign duties to those most suited for the job. Have a friend that is great at planning parties? – put him in charge of the bachelor party. Another has a talent for public speaking? – he gets the toast.
- Have too many BFFs to all be a part of the wedding party? Have them be “honorary” attendants that are allowed “backstage” before the wedding to help with your getting ready time. Or give them a corsage or a boutonniere and have them sit in a reserved row up front – or at a place of honor at the reception. They’ll feel special and remembered.
- And to allow more time with all those other special friends, if your budget allows, consider inviting them to a special BFFs event the night before the wedding as a way of honoring them for their importance in your life. What a great way to have time to connect!
Choosing your crew can be a difficult choice – so take your time and don’t rush it. But try to have the list – and ask – completed at least 8 months before your day – and even longer if possible or if there is travel involved. All in all, these are the people who will be supporting you as you prepare for this momentous day – a little thought makes for a perfect supporting cast!
Have a lot of out of town guests that will need lodging … but not sure how to secure a block of hotel rooms or what to ask for? Check back next week for our tips on getting the best hotel deal!
